Communication
in some families is very good and very bad in others. At its best,
communication is congruent. This means family members are, as the saying
goes, usually on the same page. They listen and seldom misunderstand. This is
true whether the communication is relaxed and comfortable or more tense and
heated. It is true whether the interaction is quick or more leisurely.
Congruence is there in the sense of fit, meaning, intent, and feeling. It is
not usually necessary to read between the lines, wonder what someone meant, or
be concerned about whether what was said was what was intended.


In other families, communication is searching. This
happens when families are somewhere between hearing and understanding each
other and finding themselves unable to communicate. Family members are trying
to find or search out common meaning and understanding. Sometimes they succeed.
Nonetheless, much of the time they do not.


Here is the problem. As a family member, you cannot tell for
sure on any given occasion. This means you are always a little uncertain and
anxious. You cannot trust and depend on what others say or how they respond to
what happens.


At the ritualistic level, communication has little to
do with trust, faith, and understanding. People say what is expected and hear
what others say as nothing more than an automatic and expected response. Each
person is on his/her own; but everyone goes through the motions and conforms
with the family rituals. The value is in the ritual and not in honesty,
openness, and caring. For example, did you get any real sense of interest and
caring when TJ visited his mother twenty years later?


At the most risky level, family communication is random.
Sometimes people talk and sometimes not. Sometimes what they say is relevant
and sometimes not. A key to this is hearing people say things that seem
unrelated to the conversation or noticing they have completely changed the
subject. For example, the question might be, “What do you think about
it?” The random response is, “Are we going to eat soon?”


Children who have grown up in families where communication
is random are, as they say, like talking to a stone wall. They are usually
deferential; but either they do not respond or come back with something random
or unrelated. It is as if they were paying no attention or had been hearing a
totally different conversation. Not only are they on a different page, they are
not even in the same book at times.


It is interesting to note that, as communication became more
random in TJ’s family, the truth became irrelevant. Leroy and TJ’s mother said
whatever served their purpose; and the fact that TJ became the scapegoat did
not matter.