think about TJ’s family, consider this. The family system includes the people
and how they get along with each other. Over time, the people change and the
way they get along changes. This means the family system is also changing.
Neither the people nor the way they get along with each other is quite the same
from one year to the next.
Your ability to understand and help your family depends in
large measure on your ability to predict how your family system will change
over time. How will the people change? How will the way they get along with
each other change? If you can predict the changes, you have an opportunity to
influence and shape the outcome. Looking at two excerpts from the vignette will
help you better see the point.
stopped for a breath and to swear more at TJ when TJ got his footing and lunged
at Leroy with his hands and feet. “You little bastard, I’ll show you who’s
boss around this house. I’m not going to put up with some little bastard like
you kicking me. Anytime you think you’re big enough to take me on, you just try
a hint of panic as Leroy said, “You keep your hands off me. You just try
it and I’ll kick your ass all the way up between your ears. Any day you think
you can handle the old man, you just try it.” . . . TJ forced
his hands under Leroy’s arms and he lifted him off the floor and slammed him
against the door jam. As Leroy fell, he swung at TJ who caught the blow with
his arm. With the fury of outrage, TJ’s fist crashed into Leroy’s face once,
twice, three times; and Leroy slumped and staggered back. TJ saw what was
happening but did not reach to help. Leroy went over backwards and tumbled down
the cellar stairs.
Seeing TJ’s family as a system, you could have predicted the
second event from the first, even though they were over ten years apart. Although
Leroy had not changed much over the years, TJ had. He had gotten bigger,
stronger, and had learned very well.
When TJ was six, Leroy taught him several things about their
is based on who is bigger and stronger.
We do not
communicate by talking about things. Rather, we make our points by
hitting and hurting.
We do not
work on problem solving. We handle things by force and on the basis of
who is afraid of whom.
making is based on the emotion of the
moment, especially if someone is angry.
As an adolescent, TJ’s style of getting along with Leroy had
not changed much. Relationships, communication, problem solving, and decision
making within their family had been well-learned. At the cellar stairs,
Leroy and TJ related to each other through rage and without valuing each other.
Their communication was angry and threatening. TJ made his decision based on
what Leroy had taught him. The right way to solve his problem was to knock
Leroy down the steps; and as you will recall, TJ did not try to stop Leroy’s
fall. Why do you think he decided not to reach to help?
Thinking about other events from the vignette will reinforce
the point. As you read these excerpts, consider how the family system evolves
and changes over time.
it’s time to put your stuff away and get to bed,” his mother gently
reminded. It was time to argue with her a little and delay bedtime as long as
he could. TJ pouted a little and did not start to bed. Maybe Mommy would read
him a story and maybe sing him his song on his way to sleep. . . . TJ did not
go to sleep. He was afraid to go to sleep. He laid in his bed, not moving, not
breathing, experiencing terror for the first time. Mommy finally came to him.
sorry TJ. I never thought anything like this would happen.” She sobbed and
held TJ closer as she continued, “You know how it was after your Daddy
left us. I never thought anything like this would happen.. . . I hate this. You know Mommy loves you. Please
try to get along with Leroy. Please try not to upset him.”
TJ was in
high school the day he heard the arguing from his room but did not think much
about it. His mother and Leroy got into it like that a lot. They usually yelled
and screamed for a while and then Leroy left. He had to go find his friends and
get drunk. “It’s your own fault,” hed always yell at her as his
parting shot. “I suppose you are going to run off and drink with those so
called friends of yours,” was her usual reply. The script was always the
same, except this time Leroy did not leave. TJ heard his mother yelling and
then screaming, except it was not the same. “Please Leroy. Please, don’t,
sheriff arrived about two hours later. Leroy was going to be alright. He would
be on crutches for a few weeks but should be fine. Leroy had told the sheriff
about how TJ had attacked him for no reason; and TJ’s mother had corroborated
These excerpts show how the family system changed. When TJ
was six, his mother tried to maintain her relationship with TJ and with Leroy
by encouraging TJ to try to get along. She did not try to improve
relationships, work on communication, become involved in constructive problem
solving, or change the way decisions were made. Rather she just tried not to
rock the boat and tried to be sure no one else rocked the boat. Knowing how the
family system developed over time, does it surprise anyone that TJ’s mother
corroborated Leroy’s explanation to the sheriff about what happened? Probably
It will aid your developing ability to understand your
family system to try your hand at predicting what will happen to TJ and his
family. First, how will TJ deal with the situation when he goes to court for
assaulting Leroy? Keep this excerpt in mind as you think about your prediction.
the bat and swung. Leroy saw the bat just in time to stopped the blow with his
arm. His hand came around and caught the weapon and jerked it away. He was off
TJ’s mother and had one hand at TJ’s head and the other under his arm forcing
TJ against the wall. Leroy did not say anything, could not say anything.
Instead, he grasped TJ’s hair and pounded his head into the wall. At the same
time, he hit TJ in the stomach and then harder in the face. He slammed TJ’s
head against the wall and hit him and kept hitting him. When he finally stopped
hitting him and let go, TJ dropped to the floor, remembering nothing until he
awoke in the hospital.
mother was beside his bed; but he did not see Leroy as he first found awareness
and then was more alert. Leroy smiled as he said, “There he is Mother. I
told you he was a fighter. He is too tough to let an accident like that slow
him down. Hi TJ, how are you boy?”
Notice how Leroy lied about what happened, about how family
members felt about each other, and how he played his role. Now see how TJ dealt
with his court appearance.
I do not
know what came over me. I love my step father and know how much he has done for
me and Mother. I respect him and accept any punishment I get. You know my real
father ran out on us when I was little; but that is not an excuse. I respect
Leroy for turning me in and being sure I get what is coming to me, get a chance
to straighten up.
Although you could not have predicted the exact words, it
was predictable TJ would lie and try to cover up what really happened. He had
learned very well the importance of keeping family secrets. His performance in
court was much the same as Leroy’s in the hospital. His approach to problem
solving was to put on a good face and lie.
For the next twenty years or so, TJ stayed away from his
family and went on with his life. One summer afternoon, though, the little boy
in him who missed his mother and the family he might have had returned to his
mother’s house to satisfy his curiosity and longing. What do you predict
happened when TJ returned home twenty years later? As you read this vignette,
think about how it was when TJ was growing up and about how you might have
predicted how the visit would go.
TJ’s family twenty
to his mother’s house brought back floods of memories for TJ. The place was
different, though. The trees were larger; and the gray exterior was replaced by
clean, white aluminum siding. The barn sported a new coat of red paint; and the
flowers and shrubs showed obvious signs of personal care. Even the garden was
free from weeds, with the fresh vegetables growing in well cultivated rows.
TJ drove around to the back, held the car door for his
friend Linda to get out, and took her arm as they walked to the back door.
Through the screen, he could see his mother doing something at the sink and
could hear the television in the background.
He tapped on the screen; and when his mother turned to check
on the sound, he said, “Hi Mom, It’s me, TJ.” For a moment, his
mother was disoriented, unable to assimilate the event into her reality. She
came to the door, still struggling to give definition to the man at the door.
Once the screen was open and she and her son were face to face, though, the
tears came and her elation spilled out.
“TJ, is it really you? It is. It’s really you.”
She reached for him, returning his hug and holding him in that way only
understood by mothers and their sons.
“TJ, it’s so good to see you. It’s been so long. How are
you? Are you doing alright?”
“I’m fine Mom. It’s good to see you too.”
“Get yourself in here and tell me everything. What have
you been doing?”
His mother escorted him instead of allowing him to follow
her to the kitchen table and pulled out a chair for him. “Sit down right
here and tell me all about you, about what you’ve been up to.”
TJ sat on the chair as his mother directed and turned to
include Linda in the circle. “Mom, this is Linda Ross. She is a friend of
mine and came along for the ride.”
“Excuse my manners. I was just so excited to see TJ
that I forgot myself. I am very pleased to meet you Linda. You are welcome in
my house. Come over here and pull up a chair. Let me get you some coffee, and I
know TJ will need a piece of cherry pie.”
“Coffee sounds nice but don’t go to any trouble.”
When his mother turned to the counter to pour the coffee, TJ
winked at Linda and turned his thumb up. She returned the wink, acknowledging
His mother served the coffee in big mugs and got the pie
from the refrigerator, cutting TJ and Linda each a piece twice the size of a
normal slice. TJ and his mother talked for almost an hour about the pie, how
much TJ used to eat, the weather, how he was getting along in the city, what a
fine thing it was that he was there, the new school they built west of town,
how dirty he used to get when he worked for the neighbors, and all the other
catching up kinds of things. TJ glanced at Linda a couple of times to be sure
she was not too bored and was greeted with a smile that said, “I’m fine.
It’s fun hearing about you and getting the history lesson.”
Not in any context, his mother changed the mood and
direction when she asked, “How are you dealing with what happened with
Beth and your babies?” TJ was momentarily confused. The memory of his wife
and sons disoriented him. His mother had not gone to their funeral; and TJ was
not sure whether she knew they had died or cared, even if she did know.
“That was a long time ago. I didn’t know you knew about
that. Anyway, I’m doing fine. It was really hard at the time. I also broke my
leg at the same time. Everything together was like losing everything at once. I
stayed with Bup for a while; and that helped me get things back together. It
was all rough for a while; but I’m fine now. What have you been up to? The
place sure looks nice.”
His mother did not use the opening to move on to other
things and avoid the real issues between her and TJ. “I need to tell you
TJ. Hardly a day goes by I don’t think about you, think about the way it was
for you, about what you must think about me. You know how it was with Leroy.
Pam told me about your wife and babies and what happened but Leroy forbade me
to go to the funeral. I wanted to; but he would not allow it. After that, I was
too ashamed to try to get in touch with you. I didn’t blame you for hating me.
I had no right.”
Another round of coffee and an offer of more pie helped to
reestablish a more positive tone. “Tell me about your friend, TJ.”
“Linda and I both work at the same hospital. She is into
computers.” This enabled Linda to talk and become part of the
“How are things with Leroy these days?” TJ asked,
wanting to seem casual.
“He has really changed, TJ. He is a different man. He’s
not like he used to be at all.”
“That’s nice for you. What got into him?”
“It was four years ago now. Leroy was Saved. It
happened after one of his bad times, you know what I mean.” TJ did know
what she meant so did not have to ask.
His mother continued, “He was really bad that time, the
worst I ever saw him. I don’t know how the Lord got through to him, but thank
God he did. It was a real miracle. He is a new man. I’m not saying he never has
a backslide, but they aren’t all that bad and aren’t very often. You saw the
place and all. Leroy did all that himself. He almost never drinks and is real
nice to me these days. It’s like we got to start all over again. He hates
himself about what happened, the way he treated you. He prays to the Lord some
day you will understand and forgive him. The Devil had hold of him back then
and made him do awful things. He has turned his life over to the Lord and is a
The joy and contentment she felt was contagious. TJ smiled
as he said, “I am happy for you, Mom. After all the rough years, you
deserve a nice life. I don’t exactly forgive Leroy; but at least I can
understand it all a little better. The place does really look nice. Did you
plant the flowers?”
“I did some of them and Leroy helped me with the rest.
He mainly takes care of the garden and the yard. He thinks flowers are for
As the conversation lightened, Linda participated more,
commenting on the flowers, admiring the cheerfulness of the kitchen, and the
stitching on the frilly apron TJ’s mother was wearing. They turned down the
offer of supper but did accept a sandwich and chips, not wanting to hurt her
It was nearly time to go when they heard the car in the
drive and the attractive young woman came in, followed by a little girl and a
boy who could have been her twin except he was about a foot taller and four or
five years older.
“Here’s Pam and her two kids,” TJ’s mother said,
getting up to make room for Pam at the table. “Look who is here,
Pam.” Pam stopped short, looking at TJ and then at Linda. Pam’s blue eyes
squinted, taking up slightly more of her narrow face than was quite in
proportion; and her tall, slender body was barely covered by her shorts and
halter top. Her brown hair hung loosely beyond her shoulders; and she projected
an obvious confidence.
“Hi TJ. It’s really good to see you. You look like life
has been good to you.”
“Hi Pam. You look like things have turned out pretty
well for you too.”
Once introductions were complete and Pam had her mandatory
mug of coffee, the catching up started anew. Linda was less involved but not
uncomfortable with her observer status. Her attention was split between the
conversation and an unfamiliar jealousy as she watched Pam. Linda finally
realized what she was feeling and was amused with herself, although her vaguely
negative opinion of Pam stayed.
“That’s enough about me. Tell me about your life,
Pam,” TJ said.
“As you can see, I have two kids, Tommy and Michelle.
He is ten and is going into the sixth grade. She is six and will be in the
second. They are pretty good kids. Their Daddy sells cars; and we do okay. As
for me, I went to the community college for two years and got my degree in
office science. I help out at the office part-time. We live in Langston; and
what else is there to tell?”
Pam swallowed the rest of her coffee, got up, and was back
out the door before anyone could say anything. She was in the yard and yelling
for her children as TJ’s mother said, “I will never understand that girl.
She sure is good to those kids, though. Leroy thinks the world of her now that
he got straightened out.”
The visit was at that awkward place between being over and
not quite finished. TJ did not want to leave without asking, “Where is
“The truth is he is out in the barn. I guess he saw you
pull in and is too embarrassed to look you in the eye. He really feels bad
about all that happened. I can’t ask you to talk to him. That’s something you
will have to work out for yourself.”
TJ looked at the decorative clock on the kitchen wall and
said, “It’s almost 7:30. It’s getting about time for us to go. I’m glad I
came though, Mom. It is good to see you. I will be back.”
“Can’t you spend the night?”
“No. We have a room paid for in town and need to get
back first thing in the morning.”
“I’m just glad you came. Please come back and see me as
soon as you can. I have really missed you.”
Once outside, TJ’s mother gave them the tour of the yard and
flowers, giving special attention to the garden. They stood by the car and
talked a while longer; and finally there were hugs and kisses and promises to
visit more often. There was even a hug and kiss on the cheek for Linda and an
open invitation to come along with TJ anytime. Linda was already in the car and
TJ was about to get in when Leroy joined them, first on the edge and then more
centrally. He did not say anything until TJ was in the car and starting the
“Thank you for coming to see your mother, TJ. Maybe we
can talk the next time you come back.” Leroy squatted down so he could see
Linda and added, “You are welcome back too, Missy.”
Linda smiled; but neither she nor TJ answered. As they
pulled into the lane and were driving away, they could see in the mirror that
Leroy and TJ’s mother had walked to the side of the house so they could watch
the car disappear down the lane and over the hill.